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"i cannot be defeated! mama is watching after me!"
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When I went to college I left behind a girl who I’d had an on and off crazy confusing, back and forth relationship with for about a year and a half. A relationship that no one even knew about, especially not my boyfriend that she encouraged me to start dating, or the boys she’d kiss in front of me at parties. She said “being gay was wrong” and that “we had to change.” So that’s what it was. One minute she was kissing me in the bathroom at a party and the next she was with one of my best guy friends in the next room. TOTAL MINDFUCK. But I was so in love with her 5 minutes in the bathroom was worth the heart break of knowing she was kissing some guy she felt next to nothing for.

By the time I was leaving for college all we did was fight and all she did was make me feel like being who I knew I was was the worst possible thing in the whole entire world. So what did I do… I went to a super conservative school and joined a sorority because that’s what good christian, straight girls do.. right?

My first semester of college was so exciting and fun and distracting I stopped worrying about anything but exploring that new life and making new friends. Then I went home for winter break and was thrown right back into the whirlwind of feelings for the girl I left behind. All the feelings I was able to ignore for a few months. She would kiss me and I’d remember what it was like to ache a little inside for someone. The feeling kissing guys never gave me. 

When the break was over and I went back to school I couldn’t shake thinking about all of those things. I felt so sad and angry and confused how I could have ZERO control over who I was. I grew up thinking you could be whatever you wanted but no one told me that parts of “who” you are are out of your hands.

Then one night, alone in my room, I watched a video on youtube of some random girl talking about being gay. Then I saw one of her talking about tumblr. So I got on and I made an account not knowing anything about it. For 2 months I mostly just roamed around other peoples blogs, quietly admiring their lives from afar. They were strangers to me and I was a stranger to them but they slowly made me feel a little less alone. Like there were people who’d dealt with the same things and made it through. Not only did they make it through but they were happy.

When I made my tumblr it was to look up to other people and never in a million years did I think it would become a place where people looked up to me. 

There are very few people who have followed my blog since it first started, maybe none at all, but if you had you would have seen me grow up a lot. My blog has been a journey mostly of my sexuality because up until recently it was the only outlet I had to talk about it. 

I’m not sure why I’m writing this at all and I’m not sure if anyone will even make it through to the end. I guess my point is to let the people who never knew or to remind the ones that have forgotten why I’m on this website to begin with. 

I was scared and alone and angry and sad and so unbelievably lost; something I think the majority of us can relate to. 

Tumblr became an escape where I could see living proof, even if it was only strangers 1000 miles away, that things do get better. That parents can be loving, that happy relationships exist, that people can be kind and that this life is a lot more gray than black and white. 

If someone had told me 2 and a half years ago that my blog and my life would become that proof for other people I would have never believed it. 

I never expected any attention and frankly for the longest time I didn’t want any. Who knows if anyone even remembers, but I made my blog faceless for a good 3 or 4 months because I was scared someone would find it and I’d fall out of the closet face first. I don’t really know what exactly pushed me past that fear, maybe it was just because I got a mac and photobooth was too tempting to avoid, but I do know that I haven’t regretted it for a single second.

9 months ago someone commented on a youtube video of mine and said “you saved me”. Let me tell you, the amount of amazing messages I’ve received since I started sharing my story is overwhelming, but no comment has stood out to me more than that one.

"you saved me"

How simple? How could three little words mean so much? 

Today someone asked me what I do when I’m sad and I’ll tell you exactly what I do, I remember that I impacted one person enough for them to stick around a little longer. 

The amount of followers I have and the number of notes I get on my posts are irrelevant. This so called “fame” means absolutely nothing to me. 

I made a tumblr because I needed saving and somehow along the way I ended up doing some saving of my own. 

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